♪ Do that dance
Do that dance, do it ♪
♪ Do that dance
Do that dance ♪
♪ Do that dance
Do that dance, do it ♪
♪ Do that dance
Do that dance ♪
♪ Shake it up, now ♪
♪ Let me be the one ♪
♪ The one that you need ♪
♪ You can call on me ♪
♪ When you wanna party ♪
♪ Let me take you there ♪
♪ Girl, just come with me ♪
♪ To a place where hip-hop used
to be, my baby, yeah ♪
♪ To the hip-hip
The hop it don't stop ♪
♪ To the hip-hip
The hop, it won't quit ♪
♪ To the hip-hip
The hop, it don't stop ♪
♪ Let me see you shakin'
Let me see you breakin' ♪
BUNZ:
I'm from down the way. I ain't
never did this shit before.
Now, how you do it?
You just throw it like that?
Oh! Boo-yeah.
Look like I win.
Man, if you don't get your hands
off my money-- Please?
Yeah, that's the way
you roll.
Roll again, right?
MAN: Yeah. Roll that shit again.
Cool. Gotta put your money
in if you wanna play, now.
Can't win unless you play.
Come on.
You gotta throw it in there.
There we go.
Right? Right? Am I right?
Roll, man.
Oops! Slipped right out
my hand.
MAN:
Aw, man!
Yo, Bunz, we gotta go.
Oh, no. Seriously, man.
His sister's got some
ill will and everything,
and this is goin'
to a good cause.
I'm sorry I gotta go like this.
Hey, look, man.
Next time, if you want
to keep your shit,
you gotta know when to quit.
Let's leave quickly.
Brothers, y'all stay broke.
I mean, uh, stay black.
Hey, you lucky you stopped me
when you did, bro.
I was about to buy a condo
up in Midtown.
Oh, I'm lucky I stopped you
when I did?
I can see myself
explaining to Nikki now.
"Oh, baby, the reason
why we was late,
is because Bunz was
on his knees playin' dice."
Hey, I wasn't just playing.
I was the M.V.P.
You ain't hear
the roar of the crowd?
[IMITATES CHEERING]
Here. I guess you
don't want your cut.
I ain't say all that.
WOMAN: Fuck you, motherfucker!
Get the fuck outta my shit.
'Cause I don't need your ass!
Go back to your skank ho,
'cause she called
and left her fuckin' number,
and I caught your ass
in the act, motherfucker!
Duck feet, big-nosed, pop-eyes,
receding-hairline--
Truth is you can't win.
Let me see you rise now.
Let me see you rise now,
motherfucker!
Nope! I don't think so!
You ain't got to take that.
Jab back, baby. Jab back. Oh!
Hold up one
motherfuckin' minute!
Goddamn it,
when I need Howard Cosell,
I will call Howard Cosell!
So take your fake-dredded ass,
pick up Mighty Mouse...
and skippity-do your rank,
Scoobidy-Doo ass home,
motherfucker. Take that.
BUNZ: Better run, man!
Got a greyhound on your back!
See? That's what
I'm talkin' about.
That's why I don't like
relationships.
That's why I strictly deal
with booty calls.
3:00 a.m.'s.
No questions asked.
Speakin' of that,
I don't want to do this
blind-date thing. All right?
I'm gonna go ahead
let you do your thing,
but I'm gonna go back
and try to win me some money.
Hey, you can do what
you want, Bunz, okay?
But this girl is fine.
Mrs. Butterworth fine.
It's up to you.
Yeah, well,
Mrs. Butterworth give me gas.
Rushon, define "fine."
What does the girl look like?
'Cause I ain't gonna be
sittin' at the table
with no hamhock-eatin'
wildebeest.
I got a reputation,
you know?
I try to keep
my little game tight.
Yeah, well, what about
that fruit bat
you left the party with
the other night?
Oh, yeah. You know, I was
gonna tell you about that.
I think old girl
put somethin' in my drink, man.
I'm serious, 'cause you know
I wouldn't go out like that.
Come on, man.
The girl had a beard.
She did not have a beard.
She had a beard!
She had a hair--
She did not have a beard.
She had a goatee.
But it was real nice and thin...
If your girl ain't Chinese,
then why the hell she live
way down here in Chinatown?
RUSHON:
Hey, man. This is
a good neighborhood.
She got a nice apartment,
and her girlfriend live
across the hall.
BUNZ:
Oh, I see what you're doin'.
The girlfriend is Chinese.
You thought I'd be upset.
I ain't trippin' that.
I don't mind havin' a little
Rice Krispies on my plate.
That mean she knows how to
pan fry this noodle, you know?
She's not Chinese, Bunz.
Then what's goin' on?
Watch yourself.
Hey, I don't care
if she Chinese or not.
She can still snuggle up
on these egg rolls, you know?
And they low in fat.
See, that's the reason I never
take your ass nowhere.
Now, you know you take me
everywhere you go.
Look, if I was a girl,
we'd be datin' right now.
So Rushon's friend
is cute, right?
Oh, he's cute enough.
No, no, no.
You said he was cute.
Lystie, I'm not askin' you
to have the man's baby.
I'm just askin' you to run
a little interference for me.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Okay.
But he does have
class though, right?
'Cause you know I do not
mess with anyone
that does not have class.
Trust me. He is in a class
all by hisself.
Yo, man. What kinda name
is "Lystie" anyway?
It's short for "Lysterine."
Lysterine?
That's a motherfuckin'
mouthwash, man.
What's up with these
whack-ass names?
I went out with this girl,
her name was Gonor-rhea, right?
But she spelled the shit
like "gonorrhea."
I can't put that
on no postcard.
It's Lysterine with a "Y",
not an "I".
Oh! That makes all the
difference in the world, Rushon.
Look, that's not the point.
The point is
you doing this for me.
Right, right, right.
Now, I been goin' out with Nikki
for seven weeks--
Seven weeks?
Seven weeks and you ain't
hit that ass yet?
Hey, man, I like her.
Oh. "I like her."
Nikki, why are you
taking so long?
I can't go out like this.
Here we go. Like what?
My cleavage is hangin' out.
Cleavage?
I don't want to send out the
wrong signal. What do you think?
I think that anyone that's
put up with you for seven weeks
deserves some nay-nay.
Oh, really?
Nikki.
Why are you makin' Rushon
wait so long?
He seems like
he's a good man.
He's got a career.
He treats you nice.
I know. I--
I just want to make sure
that he's the right one.
Just don't leave me
alone with him.
Mmm. Sounds like he's not
the only one
feelin' the seven-week itch.
[BOTH LAUGH]
It is not even like that.
Well, you better watch
that smile of his.
Can we please go?
All right.
BUNZ:
You know, this is how
I peep the situation.
Excuse me, Bruce Lee. I think
college got you too sensitive.
Sensitive?
Yeah, I mean,
'cause you ain't got
no player left in you.
I wouldn't let the sun rise
over the East River
without taggin'
that ass tonight.
'Cause if it was me,
I'd have that ass bouncin'
like a low rider
in a Dr. Dre video.
I say, "Miss Nikki,
tonight is the night.
It's a one-time offer."
She want to give it
to you tomorrow, you say,
"Hey, can't do that.
Tomorrow's too late."
It's not that simple.
You right.
It's not simple for
somebody who's, uh, slippin'.
Could you put me in the
players' section, please?
Hey, Bunz,
I'm not slippin'.
You slippin'
like a mo'fucker.
Look, Nikki and I are going
to do our thing tonight.
She knows it,
and I know it.
Of course. I don't know
why I disrespected you.
But, uh, listen.
You're a gambling man.
Why don't you put your money
where your mack is?
I'm not gonna bet money
on somethin' like that.
We don't have
to bet money.
Let's just make it
a gentlemen's bet.
We're gentlemen, right?
You not gonna
let this go?
Come on, big daddy, big player,
big pimp, big baller.
[SIGHS]
There you go. That's my boy.
You go the fuck on.
Oh, he's celebrating
his bar mitzvah.
You know, he just got
circumcised and everything.
Go on with your food.
I never did learn
how to do this...
Oh! Rushon.
It's so good to see you
this evening.
And who is your friend?
Hello. My name is Chan,
and I'm here
to serve you tonight.
[GIGGLES]
Hey! Bro. Rushon?
Chan, we're waiting
on our dinner guests.
Mmm, I think your hair
is three things:
fab-u-lous.
[LAUGHS]
Well, I got
three things for you:
Back up, Yoko Ono.
Oh, nigga, please.
Man.
They're here.
All right, Bunz, look,
these girls got a lot
of class, all right?
So act like you got
a little bit of sense.
Like you got a mama.
Like you wasn't mixed up
in some test tube.
I just think we should move
to a table with better light.
What's wrong with the light
we got here?
No, I'm tired of hookin' up
with ladies under muted light.
I need to get a good look.
Because anybody can
look good in dim light.
How many times you go to a club
and under the disco lights
the girl look good
as a motherfucker?
You giggin' and havin'
a good time.
But the next day,
you go to pick her up.
You all happy and shit,
but it's high noon.
She comes out the house,
and a fuckin' sea donkey
climbs into your car.
All I'm sayin' is I believe
in a brother's right
to know what the hell
he's feedin'--
Man, just get up.
Lysterine, this is
Rushon's friend, Bunz.
Hey, now. I was thinkin'
that, uh-- Damn.
Excuse us.
What do you think
you are doing?
Did you see that
tarantula hair, fool?
Motherfucker looked
like Predator.
It's just dinner.
Some egg rolls,
a little mu shu, and we out.
Girl, why are you trippin?
She don't look like
she want my shit, man.
Nah, man, she's on you.
She's just a little nervous.
It's a blind date, right?
Right. Right.
Everybody's got a weakness.
Who knows? You and Bunz
just might hit it off.
"Bunz"?
You blind-date me with a little
hood rat named "Bunz"?
Girl, have you lost
your mind? No.
I can't get with
a brother named Bunz.
No, but it's Bunz
with a "Z," not an "S."
You know--
[HUFFS BREATH]
You never can be too,
you know, too ready.
Just do this
for me, please?
You owe me.
Big time.
Now, let's roll.
[MAKING BEAT BOX SOUNDS]
♪ Ladies, you look good ♪
So, uh, whassup?
Nothing.
Are we ready to order?
Uh, as a matter of fact, I am.
I want the shrimp fried rice.
Uh, make that two, please.
Perfect. I will have the prawns
in garlic sauce.
Mmm.
And you, Miss Thing?
[LAUGHS]
Excuse me?
Yeah, you got her
with the Miss Thing. Give it up.
You eating
or just looking?
Okay, boyfriend.
I want a lobster tail
in butter-wine sauce,
and we girls want
a bottle of Moet.
Damn, girl.
Why you gotta order the most
expensive shit on the menu?
Rushon, you need
to check your boy.
Check, my ass.
That's what
I'm talkin about, is a check.
Now, the lobster don't even
have a price next to it.
It just says "seasonal."
So you know what that means.
A brother gotta pay $28.
And hey, if I get you
some lobster and some Moet,
you know what's
happenin' after that.
No. What does happen?
I'm goin' deep-sea divin'.
[CHUCKLES]
Bunz, this is
a platinum card.
I could buy and sell your ashy,
black, blue-collared ass.
Is that right?
Yes, it is.
Well, lookie here.
W-What is that?
It's a gold gas card.
Yeah. That means I can
buy all the gas I want.
In all 50 states
and 11 foreign countries.
And I got platinum
privileges too,
'cause if you buy
enough gas,
they give you
coffee mugs and stuff.
Bunz, why you got a gas card?
You don't even got a car.
Yo, man, why you put me
on Front Street, man?
I'll have you to know
that I laid away
a '68 Chevy Super Sport,
with a 427 cubic-inch
twin cam
with a Hurst gear shifter.
Ooh, sounds like a man
who has some serious doubts
about his manhood.
Those cars are nothing
but extensions of your penis,
or lack thereof.
Yeah. You know what?
You right, 'cause my dick
is only two inches...
from the ground.
Isn't he grand?
BUNZ:
Can't get a brother's
order straight.
Look here, I ordered
shrimp fried rice.
Can I get some shrimp?
Oh, there is
one shrimp there.
And another shrimp here.
See, what's with all
the green leafy stuff?
You tryin' to fool a brother
with all the shrubbery.
Child!
That's garnishment.
Make your food look good.
[GIGGLES]
What would make my food
look good is five extra shrimp.
Oh. I thought there was
no smoking in this restaurant.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'll take care of this.
Bunz. Sit down.
That's the notorious Ug Lee,
the godfather
of the Leuang Triad.
He runs Chinatown.
Yeah, I know.
I got all his albums.
I'll tell him you said
"What's up?"
But, wha--
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
I know you impressed.
You probably thought I was
some old common hood rat, huh?
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
RUSHON:
Bunz, I didn't know
you spoke Chinese.
Well, it wasn't like I could
speak it to your ass.
So where'd you learn?
Watching kung fu movies.
Me and my father, we always
watched kung fu movies.
But they got subtitles.
Yeah. Well, our TV didn't have
a vertical hold.
So what I'd do is I'd get
the kung fu videos
and listen to 'em,
and then bit by bit,
I started understandin'
them motherfuckers.
Like one time I went down
to the Chinese laundry, right?
And that shit that sound like
"ping-tang pang-tang ping-pang"
started makin' sense
to a brother.
So why didn't y'all
just buy a new television?
Well, everybody ain't got
no platinum card.
You know, they is some
po' folk out in the world.
How's your shrimp, baby?
He ain't got no shrimp
over there.
Oh. Here's one.
You can have it, baby.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness. You whipped.
That boy is whipped.
You know what? You need
to pay attention and learn.
All he did was gave you
a ol' crusty-ass shrimp.
There's that hood rat
emerging again.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
[SPEAKS CHINESE]
[SHOUTING IN CHINESE]
No fighting in restaurant.
Cost you extra
to fight in restaurant.
[BOTH SHOUT IN CHINESE]
Fuck me?
[CHAN SHOUTS IN CHINESE]
BOTH:
My mother?
[SHOUTING IN CHINESE]
Suck these fortune cookie
nuts and--
You are a horse-mouth
bitch motherfucker.
I will stick my elbow
sideways up in your ass.
You punk-ass
motherfucker.
Where are you going?
♪ Let me see you squirrel ♪
♪ We gotta ♪
♪ Everybody in the house
Can you lend me your ear ♪
♪ Get your squirrel, baby girl
Come in crystal clear ♪
♪ Baby, show me everything
That you got ♪
♪ Fellas, do the same
Just to keep the ladies ♪
♪ Locked down
Boogie down to the sound ♪
♪ Everybody swing
To the side ♪
♪ Squirrel comin' to you
Fit to keep the party live ♪
♪ My peoples out here
Representin' ♪
♪ Keep it right there
Baby girl ♪
♪ 'Cause I like a little fur
On my kitten ♪
♪ All my nigga
Get shot out ♪
♪ We gon' bone, 'cause
The rhythm just pickin up ♪
♪ Hittin' up
Throat drop ♪
♪ Put somethin' in your cup
Down that sucka ♪
♪ So we can get back
Into the vibe ♪
♪ So we can rock
This mo'fucker all night ♪
♪ Let me rock
And make it smooth ♪
♪ The way your body move ♪
Hold this for me, baby.
♪ So now you in the mood
Who can do the best ♪
♪ You got my attention
Watch my eyes undress ♪
♪ The whole concept
I'm 'bout a-breaks the mold ♪
[LAUGHS]
Bring it. Send it.
You all that, now?
That ain't nothin'
but some old beginner's luck.
Beginner's luck? Here's a little
cleavage for mommy.
Thank you.
Cleavage? She needs a whole--
Well, anyway--
See, that's why you losing.
Yeah, I'm losin',
but I ain't lost.
[HIP-HOP PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
♪ I'm just a bachelor ♪
♪ Lookin' for a partner ♪
♪ Someone who knows
How to ride ♪
♪ Without even fallin' off ♪
♪ Gotta be compatible ♪
So nice. So sweet.
Give it up, nigga.
I'm in the money. What?
We in the money.
Got more cleavage,
right here, huh?
♪ Jump on it
Let's do it ♪
Beginner's luck, huh?
Shit happens.
♪ Get a hit on my pager
Two o'clock in the mornin' ♪
♪ Dial the number, half dawnin'
Outside it's stormin' ♪
♪ It's some chick sayin'
She wanna see a brother now ♪
♪ Later hit the plah-dow
Now, let me see how ♪
♪ We gonna do this
'Cause you know ♪
♪ I ain't new
To this young-pal stage ♪
♪ You that freak from that club
A week ago, she said ♪
♪ Maybe I am, son
Maybe I'm not ♪
♪ But either way
You're new at the game ♪
♪ Don't blame it
On sunshine ♪
♪ Yo, it's only
A booty call ♪
♪ Don't blame it
On moonlight ♪
♪ It's just a booty call ♪
♪ Blame it on the boogie ♪
♪ Don't blame it on sunshine ♪
♪ Yo, it's only a booty call ♪
♪ Don't blame it on moonlight ♪
♪ It's just a booty call ♪
♪ Don't blame it on a good time
Blame it on the boogie ♪
♪ Girl, you got me trippin' ♪
♪ About to order
What you sippin' ♪
♪ Drop some rhythm
You feelin' what I'm kickin' ♪
♪ Reminiscin' when I'm seein'
You I have to get between you ♪
♪ You and your girl jumpin' out
The cherry red Beemer ♪
♪ Ass on black
Diggin' deep in they stash ♪
♪ Runnin' up fast, they better
Slow down before they crack ♪
♪ Play the low
Fuck the ball incognito ♪
♪ But game with my people
You know how we go ♪
♪ I bring my swing to the ring
Like I'm a king ♪
♪ And all that drama
You bring, fool ♪
♪ Well, it's a small thing
You wanna get laid ♪
♪ I peep a stare in your face ♪
♪ Right about now
It was only a booty call ♪
♪ Don't blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight ♪
♪ It's just a booty call ♪
♪ Don't blame it
On a good night ♪
♪ Blame it on the boogie ♪
♪ Don't blame it
On the sunshine ♪
♪ Don't blame it on moonlight ♪
♪ It's just a booty call ♪
It's a little messy
in here.
Girl, don't even worry
about it.
We 'bout to get real messy.
You ready to handle
your business?
I'm-a do my thing, baby.
Here we go.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Excuse me, but where do you two
think you're goin'?
I thought I'd put on
some mood music
so we could dance a little,
Nikki.
Rushon, I think you have done
enough dancin' for tonight.
Nikki, come on.
You got the ambience here.
You know how we do it,
girl.
Look, the only reason
why we came up here
is to play some cards.
After that, you two
are goin' home.
[GROWLING]
BUNZ: Dog, if you don't get--
What is this?
Hey, I'm gon'
kick your ass.
[DOG GROWLS AND BARKS]
Um, leave Killa alone.
He does live here,
and you are visiting, Bunz.
Well, if we was
really in China,
I'd have his ass
honey-roasted.
Play, Nikki.
Ha!
[LAUGHS]
Somebody cheatin', all right?
Something's goin' on.
I wish somethin'
was goin' on.
Y'all just mad
'cause you losin'.
I heard that, Rushon.
Uh-oh.
Caught you slippin' again.
[SNICKERS]
Oh, that's funny to y'all?
A guy go out with a girl seven
weeks and don't get no intimacy,
and that's funny to y'all?
Maybe the girl wants a more
profound relationship.
Maybe she's not interested
in having casual sex.
Maybe the girl wants
a deeper commitment.
Maybe the girl wants
a soul mate.
Maybe the girl's got
some soul-searchin' to do.
Maybe the girl got a brother
with 9 inches of ding-dong
knockin' the bottom
out yo' ass.
Shut up!
I'm just sayin',
I think it's
a legitimate question.
If I was goin' out
with a girl for seven weeks,
you know what
she'd be doin'?
She'd be playin' the meat flute.
Ridin' the baloney pony.
Eatin' on some tube steak,
but you gotta work a little bit
for the gravy.
Can I get some?
[FART NOISE]
'Scuse me.
Thank you so much
for sharing that with us.
I been tryin' to share this big
paloosa with you all night,
but you--
[YAWNS]
Oh, boy. Am I getting tired.
Ain't you tired, Bunz?
You know what?
I'm gettin' tired myself.
It is gettin'
a little late, though.
Lystie.
Nikki. It is gettin' late.
[YAWNING]
Well, since y'all are tired,
and we definitely tired,
y'all go ahead and we'll
find somethin' to do.
No, let's still play cards.
Ain't nobody goin' nowhere.
So, Lystie?
What?
Can I ask you
a hypothetical question?
Have you ever made
a brother wait seven weeks
to get up on that thing?
Why are you askin' her?
She ain't never made
a man wait 30 minutes.
[SNIFFS]
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
Do I smell a whore?
No, no, no, no, no. See, I have
full confidence in my sexuality,
and I don't toil over it,
unlike some prudes I know.
Prude?
Prude.
Ha! Oh, see,
I am nobody's prude.
I just don't want
to rush into having sex.
See, that may be hard
for you to understand.
Oh, really? Well, you might
be able to understand that
if you cleared away
some of those cobwebs
from your cootchie, mommy.
Cootchie cobwebs?
[IMITATING CAT MEWLING
AND HISSING]
Why don't we just
deal here?
Don't stop 'em now.
I wanna see 'em box.
Let's get ready
to rumble!
So, what's up?
Y'all ready for another one?
I'd rather be shopping.
Well, where is the love
in this room?
Aw, I got plenty of love.
I just can't seem to get to it.
[LAUGHS]
Do you ever stop?
No. Don't never stop.
Oh, really?
Really.
[♪♪]
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Remember when I used to ♪
♪ Love them ♪
♪ And leave them ♪
♪ That's what I used to do ♪
♪ Usin' and abusin' ♪
♪ 'Til I laid eyes on you ♪
♪ It was pain ♪
[MOANS]
♪ Before pleasure ♪
♪ That was my claim to fame ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
NIKKI:
So, are we gonna play
some cards or what?
♪ I was cold as ice ♪
Oh, yeah.
♪ Long ago ♪
♪ Baby, baby ♪
♪ I wasn't very, very very nice
You know ♪
Aw, girl.
Your feet
are kinda strong,
but the softest feet
in the world.
Ew!
Ew, man!
Man, if you don't get them big,
jungle-rot,
alligator feet
off mine, man.
You can snatch
a salmon goin' upstream
with them eagle's claws.
Big, old cheese knots
and balls all on--
Damn. Somethin' winked at me.
RUSHON:
Like you been playin' soccer
with a pack of wild wolves.
Get your feet off me, man.
Look like monkey hands.
[♪♪]
Ooh.
Well.
♪ That's what I used to do ♪
Ooh.
♪ It's all right ♪
Oh, Bunz.
Ooh.
Suck it. Oh, yes.
Oh-- Oh.
You gonna play
with a brother's ass, now.
Oh, my God.
You the M.V.P.
A little lower.
Hit me on the "'taint."
It 'taint the ass
and it 'taint the lip.
Man, you talk about
toe jam.
[EXHALES]
Let me get my head
together, now.
[GROANING AND PANTING]
I'm 'bout to cramp up.
Got a little cramp in the leg.
Uh, you got any napkins?
You know, I think I left
my gas on on my stove.
Bunz, do you know how
to work a pilot?
Yeah.
But, Lystie, your stove's
not even hooked up yet.
You know what?
And speakin' of remodeling,
I've got some paint samples
that I need to mix.
Do you think
you can assist me?
I sure the fuck could, girl.
That's my shit. Let's go.
But whoa. Hold up.
Wha-What? Excuse me.
Where you guys think
you're goin'?
Nikki, we are gonna head on out.
But you can't.
You ain't even played
your hand yet.
We just did.
Ciao.
Lystie, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Woman, mind yo' business.
No. Wait a second.
Oh, God. I know
you gonna like this.
[PANTING AND MOANING]
Give me your stuff.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, yes!
Oh, baby, all you got to do
is tell me how you like it.
Oh, no. baby,
you might think I'm freaky.
I don't think you freaky.
Okay. It turns me on
when a man can do impressions.
Imitations.
Imitations?
Imitations.
Yeah, like, powerful men.
Men of authority.
Men like, uh,
Jesse Jackson.
Jesse Jackson?
Yes! Do Jesse.
You mean, "The hands
that used to pick cotton
can now pick the president"?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
TV NARRATOR:
The rhinoceros,
though not as prolific
as others
in the animal kingdom,
is nonetheless
as enthusiastic.
Watch as the 4,000-pound beast
rises to the occasion.
Wax that 4,000-pound ass.
[DOG BARKS]
Look--
Killa. Killa, stop that.
No.
[BARKS]
Oh, that's all right.
He's only human, right?
Now, how come you didn't
pet Killa when Bunz was here?
I think he's a bad influence
on you. I do.
[AS JESSE JACKSON]
Just let me say
that the ass is round.
Ooh.
And you know that I'm down.
Bipartisan.
[MOANS]
And we can work it
to the ground.
Oh, yes!
And when I hit the skins,
we can both join together,
and say, "I am somebody."
I am somebody.
"I am somebody."
I am somebody!
Say it loud.
"I am somebody."
I am somebody!
Hallelujah.
Somebody!
Smack my ass.
Hallelujah!
Do you know
how sweet you are?
How nice you are?
Then your boys
come around and it's like,
"What's up, nigga?"
Now who you checkin' for?
Me or Bunz?
Hmm?
You.
[AS MIKE TYSON]
I'm the heavyweight
boxing champion.
Yes, Mike! Yes, Mike!
I don't care what people say.
You know it's just ludicrous
how soft your skin is.
Oh, it's soft for you,
my baby.
It reminds me of the leather on
the first pair of gloves I had.
Oh, yes! Work it.
It makes me want to work out.
Oh, work it, Mike!
Work it, Mike!
Just work it.
I'm just so vicious.
Ooh! Oh, work it!
Oh, yes, Mikey!
Work it! Work it!
Work it! Work it! Aah!
[BOTH MOANING]
Wait.
What? What? What? What?
Rushon, do you
have a condom?
Because I want this. I just
don't want to die for it.
A condom?
Yes.
Yeah. I got a condom
right in the coat.
All right? I'll get the condom.
Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah.
Got a condom right here.
Right here. Just like I said.
Huh? Ha-ha!
There you go.
Safe sex. Here we go, girl.
I'm gonna do my thing. Ha-ha!
[BARKS]
Wait right there.
Stop. Stay. Heel.
[BARKS]
Come here.
Come here, baby.
Come here.
[MOANING]
Oh, yes.
[AS BILL COSBY]
I would like to take my time
while I'm knockin'
the boots.
Dah...
Go, Bill.
[DOG BARKING]
Killa, get your little ass--
First, I start
with the "breastesses,"
because the nipples
are so chocolaty and smooth.
You little rat. Come here.
And then I work my way
on down to the love triangle.
Yes.
You know you like it.
First, I start kissin' it,
and I'm lickin' it,
because I'm thinkin'
'bout stickin' it.
And then when I get through,
it'll be smooth and creamy,
just like the Jell-O pudding.
Ooh.
Get your ass off--
Gimme this goddamned condom,
you little--
NIKKI: Rushon!
[BARKS]
[PANTING]
Ah. There you go.
[DOG GROWLING]
You know a dog's mouth
is cleaner than a human's.
Rushon.
You thought I'd use this on you
after it's been
in a dog's mouth?
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna go ahead
and get me another one.
Hey. Don't be kickin'
my dog.
Ooh, you go, Bill.
Have your little
somethin'-somethin' and a smile.
[AS FAT ALBERT]
Hey, hey, hey.
Ooh. Oh, yes, Bill.
Feel it. Aw, yes.
Hey, Bunz.
You got any condoms?
BUNZ [AS CAPTAIN KIRK]:
Stardate: 2102.
I'm without
contraceptives,
so please leave me
the fuck alone.
Damn.
[CHUCKLES]
So she was really over there
doin' it with Bunz?
Sound more to me like
Bill Cosby up in there.
You hear me?
Lysterine always
has been a little kinky.
I'm 'bout to call her.
No, you ain't, girl.
Come on.
What are you doin'?
Let the boy
do what he do.
Mm-hmm, and I'm gonna do
what I do.
[RINGING]
BUNZ: Shit is throwin' me off.
Hold on.
Let me listen.
[AS MARTIN LUTHER KING]
Longevity has its place.
I may not get to
the mountaintop with you,
but I want you to know
that I have a dream.
Oh, I have a dream too.
I have a dream that one day
every valley shall be explored.
Explore!
Every hill and every mountain
shall be fondled.
I have a dream that all
the rough places
will be laid smooth, and all the
crooked places laid straight.
Lay it straight!
Then I can look down upon
that beautiful woman and say--
What you gonna say?
I'll wax that ass.
Good Lord, have mercy.
I'll wax that ass.
Say it, brother!
Ooh, I'm-a go bananas
up in that rump shaker.
Lystie, what are you
over there doing?
Oh!
Nikki, uh... nothin'.
Nothin', my ass. She--
I know that you are not
over there
having unprotected sex
with Martin Luther King.
Unsafe sex can be deadly.
You know that.
Well, Nik, Dr. King's
about to rock my world.
Girl, have you lost
your mind?
You don't know Bunz. You don't
know where he came from.
You don't know that boy
from a can of paint.
Girl, you better go
get you a condom.
Nikki.
Lystie.
You take a hard look
at Bunz
and tell me that
you don't need a condom.
Bunz, I got nothin'
to do with this--
What the problem is?
We gon' do this or what?
Hey, look, Bunz.
I'm sorry.
Hey, hey, don't even
worry about it.
Let's just go get
the condoms.
[LAUGHING]
No, it is not what you think.
Yes, it is. Nikki's about
to get her groove on.
No, no, no, no, no.
See, I told him
he can go to the store,
pick up some condoms
and that's it.
RUSHON:
Let's just do what we got
to do tonight, all right?
BUNZ:
I was doin' what I had to do.
I don't know about you,
but I was doin'
everything I had to do
to get what I
needed to do done.
Wait. You gonna give the brother
the keys to the car
and not let him drive
that thing? What?
Now, why are you askin'
all of these questions,
Miss All-Up-In-My-Business?
What are you
gonna be doin'?
Would you really like to know
what I'm gon' be doin'?
Oh, God. I don't
even want to know.
No. Since you asked,
I feel I should be at liberty
to share it with you.
First, I've got some toys,
and then I've got some ice.
Some ice?
Oh, yeah, girl. I love ice.
I'm gon' start at his toes
and just get them to, like--
[DOOR CHIMES TINKLING]
No, no. We close.
Yo, yo, man. We just want
some condoms.
No condom for Yoyo!
Yoyo, come here!
BUNZ:
Damn.
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
He's saying "Yo,"
like, "Yo, man."
He's not calling my name.
[LAUGHS]
Ah! No Yoyo-- Yo, yo.
I understand.
Yo, later on, I get to dip
that soy sauce.
Is that cool?
[SHOUTING IN CHINESE]
Come on, man.
We got the girls waiting for us
back at the crib, man.
Girl! Girl!
I have just what you need.
Very special.
Very rare.
Tiger penis.
Make you strong
in all the right places.
Look, I'm already the king
of the jungle, you know?
Just give us the best
condoms you got.
Fine, fine.
Lambskin.
Very sensitive.
Twelve-pack.
Leave some feeling
for your jimmy.
Only 38 dollar.
Thirty-eight dollars?
Look, man. I ain't got 12 dicks
to put that on.
I just need one or two.
No. Can't break box.
Only have 12-pack.
Twelve condom not much
for king of the jungle.
Yeah, but you tryin'
to break my pockets, G.
Gi my cousin. I am Chiu.
You want skins or what?
Yo, man, if you get those,
you better hit some Nikki skins.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Hey, what other choice
have we got?
Well, you know, like me,
I just put the tip in.
Hey, you might not
be puttin' nothin' in.
Hey, tonight,
before the sun rises.
Hey, look,
all I need is one.
I just wash it out
and use it again.
Recycle, baby.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
I'm back.
Nikki.
Yeah. Champagne.
Ha-ha! "Open me."
I can do that.
Well, at least
I think I can. Get your--
Hi.
RUSHON:
Whoa!
Just got a little excited.
Maybe I should put
this thing on ice, huh?
Put it on ice.
Do that too.
Mm-hmm.
[BOTH MOAN]
Ouch.
What's wrong?
Damned cardboard
is stickin' me.
Condoms.
Safe way to go, huh?
[MOANING]
What kind of condoms
are these?
Condom condoms, babe.
Rushon, these are lambskin.
Don't you listen
to the Surgeon General?
Lambskin condoms
don't protect you
against the transmission
of the HIV virus.
Baby, I'm government-tested
Grade "A." Clear as a bell.
Don't even go there.
Yeah, but--
Rushon, just go to the store
and get some latex.
Okay? Please?
Latex.
Lay-tex.
[SIGHS]
Goddamn sheep.
Whip they little wooly,
lamb-chop ass.
Whoa, whoa. Where you goin'?
I was gonna put some clothes
on and take Killa for a walk.
I'll take Killa for a walk.
Okay?
Okay.
I mean, we supposed to be
bondin' anyway, right?
Man's best friend, right?
You just stay put
with yo' fine self.
[GIGGLES]
What you got there?
I'll be back. Okay?
Okay.
Don't you go nowhere.
Bunz! The condoms
we got are no good, man.
I'm goin' back to Mr. Chiu's.
They're lambskin.
[IMITATING SHEEP BLEATING]
[BOTH LAUGH]
[DOG BARKS]
What am I doin'?
Hey, have a good time, man.
BOTH:
We will!
Bye, Rushon.
[MOANING]
[BARKING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Ooh, let me go see, see.
Let me see who that is.
It might be important.
Wait, hold on, now.
Hello?
Hey, Nik. Yeah.
All right.
He'll be right out.
I'm not going anywhere.
You hear me?
We spent $38 on those condoms.
I been out once.
I don't want
to go out again, all right?
I-I-I'm hot. I'm bothered.
I might hurt somebody.
Not you, 'cause I don't
hit women,
but I'm tellin' you--
Relax. Look.
I am gonna turn you
every which way but loose...
That's what
I'm talkin' 'bout.
...after you buy
a latex condom, okay?
All right. Okay.
Good.
But when I come back here,
we doin' this.
Oh, yeah!
Not "oh, yeah."
We doin' this,
do you understand?
I don't want to hear
no phone.
I don't care if the Avon lady
is at the door.
I will bust the Avon lady's ass
unless she got some condoms.
All right?
Why don't, uh, we just
wait on the Avon lady?
Go!
It's so dark outside.
Can you believe this?
I bet he back there
with Yoyo
paintin' stripes
on that tiger penis
when she need
to be hangin'
with this
big ol' jungle snake.
Bunz, what we gonna do now, man?
What we gonna do?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Brother, what you gonna do,
'cause I had mine goin' on.
And if this dog don't quit
sniffin' on my boots,
I'm gon' show you the true
meanin' of "doggie style".
[BARKING]
[MEWLS]
Come on over here, man.
Quit playin'.
[DOOR CHIMES JINGLE]
Rushon! Oh, my God.
My man main.
Singh, my nigga.
Shouldn't you be
on 125th Street?
No. I'm a floater.
I work Harlem, Chinatown,
Hunt's Point, Coney Island,
Red Hook, Hell's Kitchen.
I don't give a shit.
I'm a floater.
No dogs allowed,
my friend.
Oh, my brother,
that's a seeing-eye dog.
Well, see his nasty, little
rodent ass out to the curb.
He's got a point,
my friend.
So you been lookin'
at the dog's ass?
He's got a point too.
One to one.
What? What?
I'm on your side.
You started this shit.
Hey, y'all got kerosene?
Aisle two.
Aisle three.
You move the kerosene, you got
to tell me when you move things.
I have to tell you everything?
I'd like to fuck the dog.
Do I have to tell you that too?
Way too much information.
[BARKS]
[DOOR CHIME JINGLES]
Okay, Singh, I need
some latex condoms, okay?
They got to be latex.
Hey, Mr. Black Man.
I can't see you.
Come to the front.
Rushon, You came
to the right place.
We have Ginza,
Sheik, Hot Tamale.
Booty Call, Back Door Man,
Manhandlers.
Ramrod, Lube Job,
In Deep.
Joy Trail, Buck Wild
and Goodyear Eagles.
Oh, snap. Goodyear
got a condom too?
Non-skid, maxi-tread.
Just give me the Sheik.
No offense.
Yeah, let me get the same
thing he's got.
Also, some of those
Back Doors.
Oh, my God.
I don't think you want them.
They are for gay men.
Don't wanna go there.
I don't know.
You could be a bit
of a doo-doo chaser.
You know, a sodomite,
with hair like that.
Oh, no. Hell, no.
Y'all got me fucked up.
I like the fuzzy stuff,
don't get me wrong.
My hair is a statement
of my individuality.
Like I said-- a sodomite.
Or sodom-maybe.
Ha-ha! Very good. High-two.
Oh, yeah. High-two.
[LAUGHS]
Where your condoms, man?
Over there.
And I'm watching you.
Mind your business.
Yo, what's a sodomite, anyway?
You don't want to know.
'Cause, you know, I thought
he was sayin' was like
Dolemite's cousin
or somethin'.
And that way that's--
Damn. I forgot Killa.
Shit! Hold.
[KISSING SOUNDS]
Shh! Killa.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[BARKS]
Come here, baby.
Killa.
[WHIMPERS]
RUSHON: Shh.
No. You gotta be firm
with them. Heel!
[GROWLS]
Damn, Bunz!
Aw, shit! Come here!
Ah, girl, that's right.
He is out there right now
takin' care of Killa.
Wow. Looks like ol' Rushon
has worked his way
right on in, huh?
Mm-hmm, and honey,
let me tell you,
my man has earned everything
I'm 'bout to give him.
[♪♪]
Come here, Killa,
you little mutt.
♪ Here come
Them player haters ♪
♪ Run for yo' run ♪
♪ Run, run ♪
♪ Yeah, I wants mine
I gets mine ♪
[SIRENS WAILING]
Get yo' little ass--
Uh, oh!
Oh, snap!
[WHEEZING]
[PANTING]
I hate dogs.
♪ East Coast ♪
♪ Where they at? ♪
♪ West Coast ♪
♪ Where they at? ♪
♪ West Coast ♪
♪ Where they at? ♪
♪ East Coast ♪
♪ Push 'em up, push 'em up ♪
Okay, Bunz, I got it.
I'm-a tell Nikki
Killa's with you and Lysterine.
That way, we can still
get busy--
Oh, hold on. Wait, wait.
I am not about
to get caught up
in your little tangled web
of deception.
That's one thing I don't do,
man, and that's lie.
All right, then. When Nikki is
crying on Lysterine's shoulder,
then what you gon' do?
Let's get
our story straight.
[BARKING]
[SIGHS]
No story required.
Come on, B.
[BARKING]
Shh!
Don't be givin' 'body up.
What happened?
What took you guys so long?
Oh, hey. Um, me and Killa
started playin'.
Lost track of time.
This dog is so frisky.
You hear me?
Is there somethin'
on his sweater?
No. Nothin' on this sweater.
It's probably a little
shadowy in here if anything.
You know it's gettin' late.
Oh! Look at this!
Is that a strong dog or what?
Your dog is a trip, girl.
I'm tellin' you.
Mm-hmm, so are you gonna play
with him all night,
or you gonna come in here
and play with me?
I be right in there with you.
Go ahead. Just go 'head in.
I'll be in there.
Okay. Don't take too long.
Make me get nothin'.
Rushon, what's taking
so long?
[HIGH-PITCHED GROWL]
[SNARLING]
[LAUGHS]
What are you
supposed to be?
Jurassic Park, baby.
Gettin' prehistoric on you.
[SNARLS]
[LAUGHS]
Come here.
Come here, girl.
[BARKS AND GROWLS]
[LAUGHS]
Mmm, hm-hmm.
Mmm.
[MOANING]
Oooh. Whoo!
What are you doing?
Goin' downtown, baby,
on the "A" train.
Yeah, but-- That's great.
That's wonderful.
But don't you think we need
some protection for that?
I just went to the store.
I got that.
Don't you worry
'bout nothin'.
Rushon, you need
a dental dam
to protect against the exchange
of bodily fluid.
Nikki, where in the hell am
I gonna get some dental dam?
I done been to the store--
Plastic wrap.
In the kitchen
next to the refrigerator.
In the kitchen?
In the kitchen.
All right.
Hurry up. Hurry.
Need some wrap.
Clears another hurdle!
You ain't know I was
in the Olympics, girl.
Now, don't tear up
my kitchen, now.
I got it.
Here you go.
Well, don't look like
we be goin' downtown.
That's okay, babe.
No, it's not, because
I want you to go downtown.
See, if you go
to the store...
[MOANING]
...when you come back,
you do me,
and I'll do you.
Yeah, but the store
is a long...way.
Ooh!
[NIKKI MOANING]
Okay. To the store.
Ow!
It's one thing to leave
in the middle of the night, man,
to go get some rubbers,
but it's another thing
to go get some plastic wrap
for shit I don't plan on doin'.
Hey, hey.
I might hurt you.
You're my friend,
but I just might hurt you.
[DOOR CHIMES JINGLING]
Hey, man.
You poked me in the eye.
Cut that shit down.
Oh, look.
The butt plugs are back.
Singh, you got any
plastic wrap, man?
Yeah. In the back,
next to the onions.
[BOTH SNICKER]
All right.
What's so funny?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[LAUGHS]
Oh!
♪ You got to lick it
Before you kick it ♪
♪ You've got to make it soft
And wet before you stick it ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
camel cowboys.
We ain't here for that.
We just wanna get wrap
and then we outta here.
Oh, yeah. No. Most people
come in to buy Glad Wrap
at 2:00 in the morning.
BOTH:
♪ You got to punch it ♪
♪ Before you munch it ♪
♪ You got to work it ♪
♪ Before you jerk it ♪
♪ Boom, shah-la-la-la-la
Boom, shah-la-la-la-la ♪
See? See? You see?
This is why I'm in favor
of the immigration reform laws,
'cause you motherfuckers
are fresh off the boat
and you're already
fuckin' with people.
Oh, my God.
Take a breather.
[SIGHS]
You feel better?
I feel better.
I was just pulling
you arm.
No, no. Pulling your leg.
Arm.
No, no. You cannot say
"pulling your arm."
Why do you always
have to correct me?
You're not in Bombay now.
I wish I was in Bombay,
to deal with you--
Go to Bombay, then.
I'm not staying.
You see who we
gettin' it from now?
And they got a point.
These women are runnin' us.
We not runnin' them.
And do you see how
expensive this shit is?
Singh, you got
anything cheaper?
MAN:
Rushon!
Come up here, boy.
Damn! Judge Peabody.
He go to my mother's church.
He a holy roller too.
Hey, Judge.
Rushon, what you doin' out?
Uh, we just came
to get a sandwich.
Ain't nothin' out
this late but the devil
and the devil's helper.
Hey, Judge.
Uh-- All right.
You want that Glad Wrap?
Glad Wrap at 2:00
in the mornin'?
Looks like you plannin'
on eatin' more than a sandwich.
Your mother know what
you out here doin'?
Well, she, um--
Look here, son.
It's bad enough
you plannin' to fornicate.
Now, don't compound
the crime by lyin'.
See, lies are the oil
that grease the track,
the one way to desolution.
Now, I know condoms
and Glad Wrap,
it has its place
in the pantheon of safe sex.
But it's only one way
to be totally safe,
and that's abstinence
and purity.
And sexual frustration.
Hey, listen,
I know how you all feel
when that furry temptress seem
like she's callin' yo' name.
She say, "Come on, Rushon!
Get some! Put yo' hand on it!
"Look, you want some of it?
Rub it on in there.
"You want me to rub it?
Well, you bite me!
Suck it, you filthy--"
You know.
Things like that.
You know.
Man.
You got my nipples hard.
Watch how you talk to me.
I'm-- I'm sorry?
I'm sorry for you.
I'm tryin' to help you.
See, that's when
you gotta be strong.
That's why you
have to take a pledge.
I swear on the seal of this
great state of New York...
[DOOR OPENS]
...that I would never--
Say, Judge.
We gonna do this or what?
Yes. Yes.
I'll be right out, miss.
I'll be right out.
Ahem, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
So remember what I said...
because I said it.
And you tell your mother
I say hello, hear?
You all have a great evenin'.
Oh, Judge, you forgot
your Goodyears.
I'll come back and get it.
I have to take, uh,
my clerk home.
I told you I was comin' out.
You didn't have to come in.
Uh, look man.
I'm a little low on cash.
Y'all got anything
cheaper than this?
Oh, that's the 300.
The 100 is back on the shelf.
Just come on, man.
We runnin' outta time.
I don't trust those boys.
Oh, my God.
You know
what I think, Akmed?
I think that that girl was
the judge's fuzzy temptress.
Furry temptress.
What is the difference?
You don't know
the difference?
Put the money in the bag.
Just a minute. We are talking.
Furry is here, fuzzy is here--
Hey!
I said put the money
in the bag.
Your customer.
Listen, you Pakistani
piece of shit, do what I say.
Listen, you crack addict,
we are not Pakistani.
We are Punjabis.
I could pass for Pakistani.
Oh, shit, Bunz.
These motherfuckers
are gettin' jacked.
Oh. As soon as
he shoots them,
I'm gonna go get some groceries.
You want some bread and eggs?
Bunz, do you ever use
the left side of your brain?
All the time.
Here, take these.
[WHISPERING]
Come on. Come on.
Go right in
through there.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
Hey, let's clock
this motherfucker.
Hurry up.
Gimme the goddamn money.
[GASPS]
Call me a Pakistani!
[MACHINE-GUN FIRE]
[YELLING]
Oh, my, my, my, my, my.
Oh, my, my, my.
And you wonder
why you're a floater.
Are you out of your
fuckin' minds?
Punk motherfucker.
Bunz, you all right?
I think I got a pickle
stuck in my ass.
There it go.
Tonight.
I ain't comin' back
out here.
That's the spirit.
Bunz.
What?
You got somethin' in here.
Straighten you out.
Man, you whack.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR OPENING]
Nikki, your man's home.
[DOG GROWLS]
I don't wanna hear it.
I-- Say it, say it.
NIKKI: I'm in the bathroom.
Why don't you get ready?
I am ready, girl.
I been ready.
Seven-weeks ready.
Shit.
Nikki! This plastic
ain't easy to come by, girl.
You don't know what
I been through.
But I think I finally got
this safe-sex thing down pat.
NIKKI:
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
Do I know what I'm doin'?
I know what I'm doin'.
Say you want some dental dam,
I got your dental dam.
Build your ass a Hoover Dam.
That's what I'll do.
I'm gonna wax that ass tonight.
It's my turn to do what I do.
[DOG BARKS]
You shut up, or I'll wrap
your ass like a hot dog.
[GROWLING AND BARKING]
Nikki!
Nikki! Nikki!
[MUFFLED YELL]
[COUGHS AND YELLS]
[GRUNTS AND COUGHS]
Oh, my God, Rushon.
Rushon, Rushon,
Rushon, Rushon.
[POPS]
[GASPS AND COUGHS]
Come on, sit up
so you can get some air.
Sit up.
Okay. Okay.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
You gotta breathe.
Let me help you.
Rushon, you are supposed to
put this around my pelvic area,
not your head.
Sorry, babe.
Let's do this.
Let's do this?
I'm fired up now.
Rushon, you almost died.
[COUGHING]
Oh, my God. You are the only man
in this world I know
dumb enough to do
something like this.
[GRUNTING]
Gotta help a brother out!
God!
Get him up!
Get up.
Sit him up!
Help me. Help me.
What?
Pop it!
Motherfucker, was you gonna wait
for me to turn into a butterfly?
Déjà vu.
Would you look-a here.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, I been lookin'.
LYSTERINE:
You know, I told him
that I was coming right back.
Bunz, what did you think,
you were gonna spoil
or somethin'?
You know, I got some aluminum
foil over in the cabinet too.
Ooh, ooh, I don't
want to hit no woman.
I don't want to hit her,
but I tell you right now--
When did this become
Def Comedy Jam?
Nikki, what is so funny?
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
[MOCKING]
"I'm sorry, baby."
Ain't this a bitch?
I ain't never had to go
through this much shit
just to get a piece of ass.
Look, they got you slippin',
now you got me slippin'.
I'm outta here.
You with me?
I'm out. Come on.
Rushon, where you goin'?
I'm goin' home.
It's about time you started
handling your business
like a man, brother.
Now I still got time
to make my booty call.
Now, if I could--
[GRUNTS]
Didn't I tell you
about this blind-date stuff?
Look at this shit.
Let's just get a cab
and get outta here.
Smartest thing
you said all night.
Don't look back.
Just keep walking.
To think we almost
got shot over this shit.
BOTH: Shot?
BUNZ: You heard him: shot.
I'm outta here.
Yo, cabbie! Cabbie!
Wait!
Rushon, are you okay?
I'm still breathin',
ain't I?
As long as you stay away
from that Glad Wrap.
Lystie, come on.
I'm gonna be right over here.
Baby, I am so sorry.
I will make it up to you.
I will do anything.
We can go upstairs.
Damn.
I just want
to let you know right now,
if you's thinking about trying
to get in good with me,
kissing me all over
my fingers,
you can forget
about all that.
Forgotten.
Cool.
Can I get a damn cab?
Damn! What does a brother
have to do
to get a cab
after midnight here?
Rushon, you want
to help me out?
You say something,
Bunz?
Oh, I see what's goin' on.
Look like you're gonna
get yours before sunrise.
I guess you won the bet.
Ow!
What bet?
Bunz?
Uh, could you
repeat the question?
You know, I got a bum ear.
Baby, it's just a figure
of speech, that's all.
Like, "Bunz, how much
do you wanna bet
I'll be tapping that ass
before sunrise?"
That kind of figure
of speech?
Did you have some kind
of bet goin' on?
No.
No. No. No, no.
No, no. Hell, no.
That would be degrading.
Completely degrading.
This is more like a little
harmless challenge.
Exactly.
A challenge?
Like between guys.
You know how guys get together,
talk about bitches and hos.
Bunz!
Baby, that's all right.
I got it.
It's like a guy thing,
kind of like high-fivin'?
Right, right.
Exactly like a high five.
Did you hear that?
It's a guy thing.
I heard.
You know us girls have
our thing too,
except it's not a high five.
It's a high one.
And to you too.
Lystie, let's go.
Nikki, please.
Rushon, you bet on me.
You're gonna listen to Bunz?
Nikki, Bunz is crazy.
I would never do
something like-- Look, I--
Would you listen to me, please?
I'm listening.
I fucked up.
I mean, a little bit.
Hey, look here.
[HORN HONKS]
Hey, man,
I'm glad you stopped.
You don't steal my car!
What's up with the gun?
What's up with all this
violence, man?
[GUN CLICKS]
Oh, you done fucked up now.
I oughta bust your ass
right here.
Sorry, I don't want to hurt you!
Aah!
RUSHON:
Shit!
BUNZ:
Shit, I got to get the hell
out of here, man.
Shit is too crazy.
I'm gonna go back
to Africa, to the roots.
[IMITATING AFRICAN DIALECT]
Hey, let's take a bite
of the Big Apple.
Come on,
the night is young.
The only place we're going
is to the hospital
to get you stitched
and cleaned up.
After that,
we're going home.
This is only a flesh wound.
Look. See? Ow!
Back in the days,
them old-school niggas
could take four,
five bullets to the ass,
not even worry about
going to the hospital.
I guess shit done changed.
They don't make niggers
like they used to-- Rock hard.
Ah, I hurt my finger.
Kiss it.
Nikki, I made
a mistake, okay?
I'm sorry.
Welcome to another episode
of "Slippin'-Ass Brother."
Caller, you're on the line
all the way from Alabama.
What you think?
Well, I want to know if
the young buck in the back
knows how to fetch
and roll over too,
'cause he begs
good as hell.
Oh, yeah,
that's right, Rushon.
Straighten up for your boy.
Nikki.
What will it take
for you to shut up?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, it's funny you asked.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER P.A.]
RUSHON:
It was a misunderstanding.
It was a bet, but it wasn't.
Not now, Rushon.
Like I was saying,
it's a flesh wound.
We want to make sure
that it doesn't get infected.
Like I was saying,
no insurance.
BUNZ:
Ain't this a shame.
We're in the richest country
in the world.
The land of the brave,
home of the beautiful.
And my man can't get
his leg sewn up?
NIKKI:
Bunz, this is not the time
or place.
It is the place.
It says here, "Emergency."
I doesn't say, "Emergency,
unless your broke ass
ain't got no
insurance card."
Bunz...
ALL: Shut up!
Okay. Shut up.
I tell you what.
I'm gonna get you a parrot
to go with your peg leg.
Look, I got insurance.
I just don't have my card
on me right now.
No card, no cure.
Miss, I don't think
you understand
the severity
of this situation.
This man has been shot.
Now, I don't know
where you received
your education
or training from--
Lystie! I apologize
for my friends.
It's been a long night.
I'm sure there's a procedure
to verify his insurance.
We filled out the forms.
All the information you need
is right here.
Like I said,
Little Miss Fugee,
no card, no cure.
Look, bitch!
Either you make the call
or I'm-a come across
that desk
and snatch that horsehair
wig off your bald head.
I will stick this clipboard
so far up your--
BUNZ:
Askins!
Looking for
Rushon Askins.
Nigga, are you Rushon?
Yeah, Rushon Askins,
right here.
Great.
That's what I'm askin'.
Fool, get your ass down.
Okay, listen.
We already pre-admitted
this patient.
Here's his insurance forms.
We need to get him
down to triage right quick,
because his wounds
are very severe.
Yes, Dr. Zevroloski.
But aren't you the guy--
Yes, I am.
I'm very attracted to you.
These beautiful eyes.
Those cheekbones. That smile.
And I love that little mustache.
It's working.
But do something
with the Chia Pet.
Listen, you and your mama
are going to have to wait
behind the yellow line.
[SCOFFS]
"Your mama"?
BUNZ:
Yes, your motherfuckin' mama.
I know he ain't sayin'
I look old.
Bunz, you sure you know
what you're doing?
Yeah, I used to watch ER
all the time,
till they cut
the brother's part down.
Somebody died.
They tried to blame it on him.
Nurse, could you
give me a hand.
I have a patient
that needs some assistance.
Sure, Doctor.
Could you roll him
over there, please?
Oh, yeah. You know,
I think it's just a flesh wound.
Please help me get him
in the bed.
Yeah, you do look
a little frail.
Get you right up here.
Ow!
There we go. Now, what I'm gonna
do is I'm gonna probably get him
turned around
so can see him.
The vital signs
seem to be okay.
Uh, the forehead fever
is stable.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, oh, look here,
I got to run.
I got a 1-Adam-12
right down the hall.
So I'm gonna
leave you here with him.
I'm sure you can handle this.
Sure, Dr. Zevroloski?
Yeah. Well, Zevroloski
was my first name.
You know, I'm part German,
part Jamaican. Ger-maican.
[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT]
Wicked!
Shabba!
Damn Caribbean
medical schools.
Dr. Moore needs some help
in Obstetrics.
She's having a baby.
Oh, well, it ain't mine.
No, it's her patient.
Oh. Well, let's get it on.
Uh, is she naked?
Aah! Ouch! Ow!
[LAUGHS]
It hurts good, doesn't it?
Here. I'm gonna give you
something for the pain.
Oh. Mm-mmm.
All right, it's gonna
help you relax.
It might even
make you drowsy.
But you're gonna feel
a whole lot better.
Oh! Nice.
[CHUCKLES]
Ouch! Ow!
Pleasant dreams.
[MOANING]
So, Doctor,
what seems to be the problem?
Well, my residency
is in Emergency Peds.
I have no training
in Obstetrics.
This patient
is multi-gravida,
experiencing aggravated
lateral distension
with a strong likelihood
of an oblique inguinal hernia
impacting the peritoneum
and the upper gastric artery.
You ever go to Nell's
on Ladies' Night?
It's free before 10:00.
Got a brand-new deejay
there, D.J. Knockers.
Girl, don't even
worry about it.
Let me tell you
something about men.
They only good
for one thing,
and most of the time they don't
even know how to do that right.
Talkin' all that mess
about how big they are,
how much stamina they got.
Talkin' all that mess
about, "Oh, whose is this?
Whose is this? Whose is this?"
You know what I tell 'em?
"You don't even know him."
Yeah, but how they gonna
bet on us
like we some dogs
at a racetrack?
'Cause they're
not human, baby.
I know it may seem
like it.
I mean, we both eat
and breathe the same.
Look at a brother like Bunz.
Does he act human?
But you just slept
with Bunz.
Like I said--
BOTH:
They're only good
for one thing.
Yes! You got it!
All right.
Let me tell you
another thing--
Now, see, what you got to do
is flip the script
and keep your freaky-deaky
happening on the D.L.
Be like, "Yeah, that's right,
but it's mine."
Yeah! That's mine.
Tear it up!
Yeah, yeah, give it to me!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What's my name? What's my name?
What's my name?
Nik, we're in a hospital.
A hospital. Chill.
We in a hospital.
All right.
Okay. Tear it up.
Now, the contractions
are 10 seconds apart.
Everything's great.
Everything's fine.
And, you know,
you're lookin', uh--
You know, you're lookin'
pretty good.
What you in here for,
boy?
We went out...
[MUMBLING]
Oh, you're lucky.
I got bad pipes.
My balls
is all congested.
What're they gonna do?
Un-congest them,
I guess.
It says here,
"testicular removal."
[LAUGHS]
Un-congest them, my ass.
They're gonna
chop your balls off.
What?
Mr. Martin.
Where are you?
Mr. Martin?
Where are you?
[SNORING]
We are ready.
"Rushon."
What a pretty name.
Martin.
Here you are.
Yowch.
Adios, cojones.
Great evening. Got any more
planned for me, Nik?
Don't even start on me.
You don't want me to start
on you about tonight.
And what is that
supposed to mean?
What is that
supposed to mean?
Nikki, we are in
a freaking hospital--
Of course you
don't recognize me.
I'm Dr. Zevroloski.
I'm in residency in Baltimore.
I'm just visiting here,
doing research.
Hold it!
Someone stole my ID.
Zevroloski!
Look it up.
I knew it.
You, come with me.
We got somebody to find.
I know they're in here
somewhere.
[HOARSELY]
No.
We can't--
Man, I swear to God.
We oughta
just leave 'em.
No, we oughta find 'em
and then leave 'em.
No...
It's okay.
Look at the pretty baby.
Pretty, pretty.
What is wrong with you?
Relax.
[GRUNTS]
This is a mistake.
Oh, now.
Everyone gets a little nervous
about this procedure.
It's easy.
First we shave you,
then we snip you,
and it's over.
There is life
after castration.
Let's get him in.
[CRYING]
Little baby. Little baby--
[SPITTING]
Well, the plumbing works.
Hey, look here.
I gotta go.
Where's Rushon?
I don't know.
You lost Rushon?
No, I didn't lose Rushon.
I was just in--
Look, Bunz, I don't
have time for this.
I'm gonna go look for him.
You try to find him, please.
All right.
Girlfriend, keep an eye on him.
All right, Mr. Martin.
We've already
started anesthesia.
You haven't had anything to eat
in the last 12 hours, right?
Good. Just relax and start
counting backwards from 100.
[WHISPERING]
Don't take my johnson.
Don't take my--
All right, people,
he's out cold. Let us tango.
Is he in there?
Thought like I looked
like a mama.
Hey, I like older women.
You trying to say I look old?
I'm sayin'
you're like a fine wine.
You're just aged.
Check in there.
Oh, snap!
Chia Pet! Oh! Go!
Hurry up!
Yeah.
Shh! Bunz, Bunz, stop.
Come on.
Wait a minute.
All right. She's gone.
Let's go.
Yeah. Let's go.
You probably ain't
even ready for this, girl.
No, you ain't ready for this.
All right.
Here we go.
Wait a minute. Why hasn't
this man been prepped?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
We all make mistakes.
I'll do it myself.
Razor.
Who your daddy? Who your daddy?
Who your daddy?
Come on up here, girl.
Mmm. Oh, oh, oh.
Bunz. Bunz, wait, wait.
Look. Somebody's in here.
That jack-o'-lantern fool
is dead to the world.
Come on,
let's do this.
Come on. What are you doing?
Come on.
See? Now, come on.
Hope you had
your cornflakes, baby,
'cause I'm gonna go
all night long,
'cause I got stamina.
But you got a condom, right?
No glove, no love.
Hey, look.
I got a glove right here.
It may not be big enough
to fit on this big old paloosa,
but we're gonna do
the best we can.
There we go. Come on.
Are you ready?
Wait, wait a minute.
Okay, wait a minute.
There you go.
Line it up.
Okay. Oh.
[PANTING]
Oh. Yes.
Don't go too fast, now.
[YELLS]
Don't you...
like this?
Oh, shit.
[BLUBBERING]
No, you didn't.
I been holding that one
a long time.
That's just a flare,
baby.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
MAN: Damn.
My crippled ass could've
rolled around in her cootchie
longer than that.
Damn. He's been watching us
the whole time.
The whole three seconds.
[SNORING]
[GRUNTS]
I hope I didn't
wear you out.
Look, you need a cigarette
or something to bring you down?
WOMAN [OVER P.A.]:
Dr. Morrissey, Dr. Morrissey.
Dr. Morrissey
to 875, please.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
I'm removing a metastasized
testicular growth.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Don't touch his growth!
Get her out of here.
No, wait! There's been
some kind of mistake!
He doesn't have insurance!
Fuck!
Get him down to County.
Goddamn, stupid Admissions.
I'll be on the golf course.
Son of a bitch!
Hey, baby.
Hi, Rushon.
[CHUCKLES]
My leg-- Oh, shit!
Don't worry. Everything's
still there, almost.
Almost? What do you mean,
almost?
You needs to lay off
the Magic Shave, man.
Oh, my God, Nikki.
No matter what you do,
don't tell Bunz.
Here we go again,
worrying about what Bunz
is gonna think.
Lord forbid you get embarrassed
in front of Bunz.
That's what I'm talking about,
Rushon.
Hey, Nikki, you mean
everything to me, but, come on,
there's a place where a brother
got to draw the line, now.
There comes a time where a woman
has got to draw the line.
Nikki.
Rushon, the sun's up.
You already lost the bet.
What else?
LYSTERINE:
Hurry up, Bunz.
You definitely know how
to do that, Quick Draw.
Lystie!
Hey, what's up?
Yeah, that's what
I've been askin'.
Mind your business.
Big Daddy-Haddy-Not-No.
What's up, boy?
Hey, what's up, man?
BUNZ:
You lookin' good, man.
They stitched you up?
Your boy here now.
Don't sweat a thing.
[LAUGHS]
You took care of me, boy.
Well, now that your
boy is here,
I'm sure
that you'll be fine.
Me and Lystie are leaving.
Come on.
Nikki.
Forget them tricks. Let's roll.
Nikki. Nikki!
What do I gotta do
to prove
that I don't give a fuck
about what Bunz thinks?
Sorry, man.
Is this "Kick a Brother
in the Ding-Ding Day"?
The proof is in the doing,
not the saying, Rushon.
It's getting late.
We're going home.
All right, fuck it!
Bunz.
Hey, dawg,
what you doin'?
I don't want to know you
like this!
Rushon!
Hey, man,
you do look younger
with your beard cut off
and everything.
Not only am I a client,
but I'm also the president.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Look like
a popcorn shrimp, man.
Is that the best you can do?
You better come on, Bunz.
Look like a doorstop.
[VIBRATING SOUND]
You gonna tell
everybody we know, right, Bunz?
Embarrass the hell
out of me, right?
I got to, man.
Let me ask you something.
If I pull that,
would you get stronger?
There you go, brother.
You got a tight little ass.
Ass so tight you could squeeze
a piece of coal
and shit a diamond.
Look at you, boy.
Did you see--
You really need to stop
joning, Speedy.
You know what?
We need to keep that
on the down low,
because I have been
going through some counseling
and wanted to talk to you
about that.
You didn't give me a chance
to reach my "climacticness,"
'cause usually--
You just got excited.
I got a little excited.
You gonna step over to this side
of the line or what?
What's over there
for me?
I love you over here.
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHS]
Ah, look what
they're doin'.
You ready to go with me?
Mm-hmm.
You wanna go home?
Mm-hmm.
Come on and party. You with me?
Mm-hmm.
You sure?
Watch it now.
[LAUGHING]
Can't touch the pork chop.
Can't touch the pork chop?
Whoo!
Don't touch it.
[LAUGHS]
That really normally
doesn't happen to me,
but I had an accident.
A cat jumped in my lap
when I was watching cartoons.
It scratched the left side
of my shit,
so on the left
side I'm not functional.
I gotta hit it
to the right.
You could learn a lot from him,
you know that?
I know, but I got
this sports cream.
You know, I put it on
and I'm ready to go,
you know what I'm saying?
[LOUD CRASH]
♪ It's just the way
You like it, baby ♪
RUSHON:
Nikki, I am glad you
made me wait seven weeks.
Uh-huh.
Now, do you think
they used a razor
or one of those
hair removal creams on you?
A razor.
Mmm.
You sure you know
what you're doin'?
Oh, yeah!
Where is Killa?
I'm sure Killa's
around here somewhere.
NIKKI:
He's not even bothering us.
I told you you two would
hit it off and bond together.
[BARKING]
RUSHON: Well, you know,
me and Killa have
come to an understanding.
I read somewhere where
this is supposed to be bad
for your kidneys.
You know,
unless you're a professional,
you shouldn't be going around
like this.
[GASPS]
Be careful.
I got t-tendinitis.
Now, let's get
this party started.
Yeah!
Be gentle.
[WHIP CRACKS]
♪ Me, I'm Super Fly
Super-duper Fly ♪
♪ Rub your hands up my thigh
And go super-duper high ♪
♪ Do you see my apple pie
Tell me if you lie ♪
♪ Tell me if you lie ♪
[DOG BARKS]
♪ Baby, you got me
Tipsy, tipsy ♪
♪ Offerin' me your love ♪
♪ Tasty, baby ♪
♪ You're sending me
Crazy, crazy ♪
♪ Can I be a lady? ♪
♪ I love the things
You say to me ♪
♪ I like it when you're
Talkin' dirty ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ On my mind ♪
♪ I never seen a guy so fine ♪
♪ I like it when you do me,
Do me ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ On my mind ♪
♪ I wanna feel you ♪
♪ Squeeze me tight ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, honey
You got me ♪
♪ So high, so high ♪
♪ I can't lie about the way you
Play me ♪
♪ If you want me
Then take me ♪
♪ You send me
Crazy, crazy ♪
♪ Baby, I love the way
You taste me ♪
♪ You're so tasty
Like pastry ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ Can we? ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ On my mind ♪
♪ I never seen a guy so fine ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I like it when you do me,
Do me ♪
♪ Can we? ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ On my mind ♪
♪ I wanna feel you ♪
♪ Squeeze me tight ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Spend the night with me ♪
♪ Spend the night
With me ♪
♪ Spend the night ♪
♪ Spend the night with me ♪
♪ I don't care what we do ♪
♪ Just as long
As I'm with you ♪
♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ I never seen a guy so fine ♪
♪ So fine ♪
♪ I like it when you do me,
Do me ♪
♪ Can we? ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ I wanna feel you ♪
♪ Squeeze me tight ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ I never seen a guy
So fine ♪
♪ I like it when you do me
Do me ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ I wanna feel you
Squeeze me tight ♪
♪ We could sit in the back
Of my 300 ♪
♪ We kissin' and we fondlin'
We high and we blunt it ♪
♪ Take me if you want it
To the Ho Jo ♪
♪ Up all night like No-Doz ♪
♪ Yes, I got the feelin'
Feel me flow ♪
♪ Don't ask me
If I'm nasty ♪
♪ Freaky-deaky
See y'all can't see me ♪
♪ Me, Timbaland and SWV ♪
♪ We hit you with the heat
Now, shall we ♪
♪ Check it out ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ I never seen a guy
So fine ♪
♪ I like it when you do me,
Do me ♪
♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪
♪ I got so many things
On my mind ♪
♪ I wanna feel you
Squeeze me tight ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[♪♪]
[DOG BARKS]